The list... scary lesbians

JOSH DARE and some lesbians he wishes were ‘not bian’ so scary.

Rosie O’Donnell
What’s scarier than a big fat lesbian that has way too many opinions and her own talk show? A big fat lesbian that has way too many opinions, her own talk show and a penchant for show tunes. And as if the ‘Noo Yawk’ accent wasn’t enough to leave you petrified, her work ethos would make you crap yourself – in a suit regarding the collapse of her own magazine, her conduct around the office was described as, “uncooperative, rude and violent.”

Sandra Bernhard
She’s the woman who was wheeled in to make Roseanne Barr look good on her ubiquitous sitcom; and if scary lesbians were a candle, she should would certainly Bernhard. Sandra Bernhard, that is. Since Roseanne she trawled the stand-up circuit, and yup, she’s funny – doesn’t mean she’s not hella scary though. And why MAC Cosmetics chose her as a spokesperson in August this year is anyone’s guess – her ad was quickly pulled off the air. Dunno why, all she did in the commercial was describe people who don’t like her outspokenness as, “...little freaked out, intimidated, frightened, right-wing Republican thin-lipped bitch.”

Aileen Wuornos
They don’t come much scarier than Aileen Wuornos, the seven-time US serial killer – a point well-learnt by Charlize Theron, as she had to undergo hours of make-up each day to transform into Aileen for the 2003 film Monster. While working as a prostitute, she killed seven men (claiming all were self-defence) and as a result, was sentenced to death by lethal injection in 2002. Her last words were, “I'd just like to say I'm sailing with the Rock and I'll be back like Independence Day with Jesus, June 6, like the movie, big mothership and all. I'll be back.”

Patreese Johnson
You may not have heard of Patreese Johnson – and there’s one New York City-based DVD bootlegger who wishes he hadn’t either. In August this year, he hit on Patreese and her group of lesbian friends – and when they didn’t respond, he spat on them. So you can’t say he didn’t totally deserve the resulting beating they served up while screaming, “No one hits on my girl!”, until Patreese stabbed him in the gut. The best part of it all though was the Daily News description of the ladies as “petite but ornery” (ugly and unpleasant).

Hothead Paisan
The cartoon product of American feminist author Diane DiMassa, Hothead Paisan is a comic based on the character of the same name, a ‘homicidal lesbian terrorist’. With the man-slashing spanning a massive 21 comic books, the description says you can, “Join coffee-addicted lesbian terrorist Hothead Paisan on her restful vacation in Provincetown, and learn how she deals with gawking straight couples. Watch her surgical assault on scary male doctors. Admire her preventive treatment of rapists.” I just hope the book carries a standard ‘any similarities to people living or dead’ disclaimer, coz if not, I know at least five lesbians that could bust Diane DiMassa’s ass in court.

Billy Jean King
Way, way, way more butch than femme, elite tennis player Billy Jean King cuts a scary figure on the tennis court – for her opponent and the crowd. In 1973 she won a match coined ‘The Battle of the Sexes’, a grudge match against self-styled chauvinist pig and former world number one Bobby Riggs. Whether she won it for the girls or the boys is still in disrepute though – you can’t help but wonder if when, in 1972, she was presented with Sport Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year Award, they weren’t actually using ‘sportsman’ in a politically correct kinda way, if you know what I mean.