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The list… natural enemies

Watch your back comrades! JOSH DARE goes undercover to expose the biggest threats to the gay race.

Big Brother voters
Go on, enter Big Brother – be our guest. Just a shame that it’s absolutely certain that, being a gay bloke, you won’t win. Heck, even that gay cowboy gay farmer gay dickhead from last year only managed to scrape into third place because his heavily-repressed “gay guys are just like everyone else” cry cry bullshit sucked in the nanas.

Lesbians
You know what they say – keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. With that in mind, it’s suddenly clear why the gays have kept those man-hatin’ lesbians tucked in right next to them in GLBTI all this time. Lord knows the smell is killing us, but if we turn our back for one second…

Poor interior design
I don’t know about you other faggots, but if I walk into a room and they’ve mixed taffeta with velvet, I just die. Right there on the spot, I just die. My little gay heart beats its last little gay beat; and I simply will not come back to life until you buy some freakin’ class. Hurry, honey!

Reality
Let’s face facts: camp is basically being so flamboyantly outrageous it’s unreal. Gay clubs (in their gay ghettos, no less) never close; handy considering the amount of drugs we pump into ourselves week in week out. The concept of settling down to start a family is inherently impossible, let alone laughable to most. It’s pretty bloody obvious that reality and gay men are not on speaking terms.

Ex-boyfriends
Once bitten, twice shy – and if you’ve had a relationship with a gay man that’s turned sour, take it for granted that you’re a dead gay man walking. Worst of all, you may have a 10-inch whopper, but thanks to your ex’s scornful ways, according to his friends you’ll barely have a frankfurter.

God
Sure, God may hate fags – but the dude seems to abso-friggin’-lutely love sodomy, considering the amount of time he and his earthly messengers spend banging on about it. C’mon, Rev Phelps and friends – that level of commitment to the topic can’t just be coming from the Big Man. Come clean and admit it, and then you can have your ‘chocolate’ cake and eat it too.

Concentration
Anyone who has ever sat down with an average gay man and tried to explain anything of reasonable complication will invariably discover… OHMIGOD LOOK IT’S THE NEW MADONNA FILM CLIP!

Pillows
You know, they’re no where near as easy to bite as everyone makes out – all that friggin’ down tickles my already-abused gag reflex. On top of that, they totally mess up your hair. But worst of all, if you’re anywhere near a pillow, it means you’re not at a club or a sex den – so it’s totally just wasted time. Totally.

Words
Yeah, who’da thunk it – but these here words you’re reading off this very page are your mortal enemy. Well, not these particular ones – more like queer, faggot, doughnut puncher, pillow biter, butt pirate… meh. You know what they say: sticks and stones may break my bones, but hey, my ass isn’t going to fuck itself – so quit the lip service and get to it.

John Howard
Gays and Little Johnny have long been adversaries; despite Kirribilli House having the potential to be the rockingest after hours recovery joint this side of Oxford Street. He’s made it clear he won’t support gay marriage, and as for us – well, it’s fundamental isn’t it? – gay guys really don’t like cunts.