The list… gayest music videos

JOSH DARE takes a walk on the gay side of the music video business.

1. Madonna – Sorry

Oh Madonna and her many relaunches. As if it wasn’t enough that she bore Vogue’s ‘strike a pose’ catchcry on to the world, she’s now offloaded the gayest little piece of music video tripe you could imagine. A white leotard, muscle men undressing in the back of her van, and the piece de la resistance – she rollerskates. They all rollerskate; even do a little funk train together. The only way this could’ve been gayer is if she followed it all up by dropping in to a beat and going gung ho on the glory hole.

2. Kylie – Slow

Course, if Madonna’s done it, Kylie’s done it (besides the cancer thing) – and that includes totally gay film clips. So Kylie writhing on a towel in a scant swimsuit is kinda straight, but the 100 or so blokes doing the same around her in only very brief speedos with no women besides Kylie to distract them is way the opposite. Especially that ‘thrust crotch at the sky slash camera’ pseudo-yoga move. They might as well have filmed it at Prahran pool.

3. Queen – I want to break free

The music video to this 1984 hit was a parody of the British soapie Coronation Street – parody, in this sense, meaning a good excuse for Freddie and the gang to dress up in women’s clothing. It may have been funnier than when they do it on The Footy Show, but when Queen performed the song live at the Rock in Rio concert with Mercury in drag, it earnt him a chorus of boos from the audience - the crowd wasn’t aware of the Coronation Street parody, instead thinking Mercury was mocking the song, which had become a song of protest in Brazil.

4. Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax

A film clip that was actually banned for its overt sexuality, it opens with this dude arriving at a bar to be greeted by another dude in full leather regalia. He then bangs on about relaxing and not doing it when you want to come, and suck it to it when you want to come. Man, this guy really wants to come… but to what? I thought he was already at the bar? Oh and there’s a fat dude getting shaved before stripping off and a tiger fight while all these dudes with moustaches cheer on before engaging in some BDSM action while getting apparently pissed on. Trust me, I’m as shocked as you are.

5. Olivia Newton-John – Physical

Another come back queen taking the queer trail, Olivia presents herself here as an aerobics-instructing whorebag. But the focus isn’t on ON-J, it’s more on the multitude of well-oiled hot bodies getting exercised – including one dude having a very graphic butt massage. She then goes all comic relief, working out an unco fat dude ‘for laughs’. And in a ban-inducing move at the end, the fat dude becomes hot and toned and – shock, horror – leaves hand in hand with another guy instead of Olivia. And it won’t be the last guy to choose being gay over being with Olivia, I’ll bet. There was that guy that went ‘missing’ this year, after all.

6. Bronski Beat – Smalltown boy

First clue: the album’s called Age of Consent. Second clue: features Jimmy Somerville on vocals. Third and final clue: the way gay film clip showing a repressed Jimmy in his depressing home life before ‘running away, turning away, running away, turning away’ to a swimming pool to perve on the dudes in their speedos (again with the speedos), cruise the changing room and then get bashed. Maybe that goes someway to explain Jimmy’s almost alien-shaped head.

7. Boyzone – Father & Son

It’s not bad enough that they chose a name that sounds like a shortened version of ‘boys only’, the start to their Father & Son film clip looks like just the opening credits of a Bel Ami porno. Then when they get into the guts of it, they’re acting all angelic, wearing white and leaning on each other. I’m sure there must be some inappropriate touching going on somewhere, and I’m guessing from Stephen Gately. But god damn Ronan Keating was bloody cute back then, wasn’t he? So who could blame him.

8. Village People – Sex over the phone

Now, I wasn’t part of the Village People movement. I thought that they might have just been sexually ambiguous in their time, kinda like George Michael in Wham! But then I watched ‘Sex over the phone’. Tom Selleck-alike bangs on about how fulfilling sex over the phone is while they hold handsets and pump pump pump. Until they send in the token chicks right at the end, it’s the gayest little piece of cinematography committed to film until Brokeback Mountain came along.