The list… new gay icons

Out with the old and in with the few - JOSH DARE goes in search of some replacement icons for 2006.

1. Jennifer Aniston
Pros: Jen’s just going through what we’ve all been through – Brad Pitt leaving us. And we know how heartbreaking it is. Plus he was stolen by someone much prettier, so it’s easier for us to take her side. Crying on Oprah and the New Weekly covers are also working in her favour.
Cons: She hasn’t bagged him out in the press yet, which is a big no-no. And she hardly embraced the ‘Team Aniston’ phase – what self-respecting gay icon would decline an opportunity for over-exposure?

2. Santa
Pros: The ultimate sugar daddy – gets you everything you need and has a huge, private remote property with live-in staff. He also pisses off the church. Possibly invented the concept of beats by strategically placing mistletoe.
Cons: He punishes the bad boys, instead of dating them. And you try to get the community to look up to someone who only comes once a year.

3. Casey Donovan
Pros: She’s built to be a fag hag. And she’s friends with Anthony Callea.
Cons: Wouldn’t know camp if it pitched a tent in one of her dresses, plus after cruising to the Australian Idol winner’s spot on a teenage-girl sympathy vote, she’s hardly overcome adversity. She’s not even obsessed with her body image.

4. Naomi Robson
Pros: Swears like a god damn motherf*cking sailor when she doesn’t think the camera is rolling. Always immaculately presented. Gossip monger. But the kicker? She knows she’s better than you.
Cons: Constant and obvious attempts at appealing to common folk through trash journalism-style exposes on saving 3c a year on heating. Cheap and nasty.

5. Ryan Carnes’ body
Pros: The gay boyfriend in Desperate Housewives was also in the movie Eating Out… fully naked. Rwoar. Those pecs, abs and… so forth, are something we should all look up to at one point in our lives.
Cons: Has Ryan Carnes’ head attached.

6. Sharon Osbourne
Pros: She’s had to put up with a drunk abusive husband (check), weight issues (check) and giving birth to Kelly Osbourne (check mate). There’s not much more challenging in life than that. Plus she bags out everyone she doesn’t like in the press. Classy.
Cons: It’s possible she’s Satan.

7. Kayne West
Pros: Openly spoke out against homophobia in rap during an interview this year.
Cons: But in the same breath, said he was still homophobic. He also went on the record as saying that speaking out against homophobia was harder than speaking out against George Bush – coz, you know, no one does that.

8. Pussycat Dolls
Pros: Not only created one of drag’s easiest-to-lampoon songs in recent memory, but provided a spastic-on-lemon-ruskis outlet for offensive super camp dancing to rival Inaya Day’s ‘Nasty Girl’.
Cons: If we accept the nomination, it’ll roll back our credibility in the wider community back by at least 10 years. 20 years if they end up being the one hit wonders we all secretly suspect they will be.

9. Stewie Griffin
Pros: A foul-mouthed one year old with a penchant for show tunes and killing his mother, and speaks with an unwarranted English accent. He’s a junior Elton John.
Cons: He could actually grow up to be gay, thereby disqualifying himself.

10. Virgin Credit
Pros: Gives us money.
Cons: Makes us pay it back.

11. Olsen Twins
Pros: They teach us all how to be better gays by dressing identically and developing eating disorders. They also hold a kinship to the community thanks to their long-held relevance to the ‘age of consent’ debate.
Cons: Looks like they’re never going to try to marry each other, which would have really cinched the deal.

12. Lindsay Lohan
Pros: She’s pretty, has an arsehole for a father and it’s rumoured she was sucking down the crystal meth to lose weight for a while. Give her a fauxhawk and a glowstick and she could be one of us.
Cons: Those sly lesbians will probably get to her first. Damn them, always one step ahead!