The list… causes for gayness

JOSH DARE looks at the causes for his gayness.

Mummy made me

Long before they had any want or desire to look into the topic thoroughly, when searching for an explanation to someone’s gayness the finger was always squarely pointed at the mum – the conclusion being that mum was overprotecting the gay, so the gay replicated his mother in every way. I mean, we do exhibit almost identical behaviour: endlessly reproducing to stave off re-entering the workforce, wearing buckets of Elizabeth Taylor’s Diamonds perfume, loving The Bill and not ‘getting’ internet or email.

Daddy did it

Course if it wasn’t being too close to mummy, it was being too distant from daddy. Apparently not having a butch influence during ones upbringing was considered the numero unero reason we all turn out gay. Course, this theory may have some credence considering the hyper masculinity façade most the community tries to put out (a la Village People) which suggests that perhaps we’re making up for lost time, but let’s face it – even if some of us did have distant dads (which was probably down to the whole ‘dad wants to play catch, not with Barbie’ thing), not every single one of us went without – so back to the drawing board, bucko.


It took the American Psychiatric Association until 1973 to remove homosexuality from its manual of mental disorders. After that, the cause of our ‘condition’ was just floating in limbo through the eras of flares and high stock market returns until 1991, when a neuroscientist named Simon LeVay touted that he had found a key difference between the brains of homosexual and heterosexual men he studied. Without getting too technical, a clump of neurons – believed to control sexual behaviour – was found to be more than twice the size in homosexual men. LeVay’s findings were soon dismissed as crock though, as a) theoretically, the clumps could have changed size because of the homosexual behaviour, and b) there was no way of verifying sexual orientation because the subjects were dead.


At one stage it was thought that gays were hormonally different. It’s all a little redneck for my liking; in my head there’s like this bunch of hicks – called Billy Bob / Billy Joe / Billy Joe Bob – are sitting round a campfire with a spittoon going, “Ya know I bet them queers came a-bout coz they got half woman hor-monicals in that there womb kerjigger.” Besides, any idea that homosexuality was related to hormones was hastily discarded when sensitive hormone assays became available and accurate measurement could be made. So pfft to you, rednecks.

Arrested development

Ah, that zany Sigmund Freud. When he wasn’t ‘dreaming’ up whacky theories about the subconscious, he was waxing lyrical about why people turn out gay. Freud put it down to childhood trauma, speculating that all human teenagers are predominately homosexual and transition to heterosexuality in adulthood – except those who experienced a traumatic event which caused arrested development. Perhaps a sound theory on some psychological level; that is until Freud becomes the friend you want to tap lightly on the shoulder to say, “You just took it one step too far, buddy” – he carried on to say that all adults, even those who had healthy sexual development, retained latent homosexuality to varying degrees. Yes, you’re all gay! Everyone but me! No matter what you heard otherwise!

I don’t know about you, but I know that every time I go to that website it just makes me wanna slam down a nice fat cock to shove it to the ultraconservative cunts. I did it five times just researching this article.

Personal Choice

There’s a widely-held belief that being gay is simply a personal choice. You know, cause I wake up in the morning, yawn, scratch my crotch, look in the mirror and say to myself, “I think I’ll go gay today.” Like it’s pink or fuschia; some sort of fad that will pass in and out of fashion. There’s one thing for certain: gays have outlived the life spans of Hypercolour t-shirts, happy pants and slinkies combined; and I can assure you they’ll be around a lot longer than those bloody pipe jeans Lee Harding wannabes are wearing today.