The list… gaydar characters

JOSH DARE and the usual suspects.

The fetishist
They always seem so ordinary at the start. “Hello, how you doing?”, they say. “Good, how are you?”, you reply. “Awesome,” they reply, before launching into, “But I’d be even more awesome with some balloons up my arse.” The beauty of the internet, to paraphrase Jason Alexander, is that if you want find a man having sex with a goat on fire, you have to specify which breed of goat.

The unattainable
Remember the saying ‘it’s too good to be true’? Yeah, well, it still holds water in the digital age, ‘specially on gay sites. So if some army jock type is constantly parading around online, you can be sure that the pics are fake, or the user is whoring it round to rack up a lot of profile views and / or garner sex factor votes. You can fill in the blank as to why.

The real life friend
It’s late on a Sunday afternoon. You got rid of your mates, your flatmates have gone out, you’ve posted your nude pics on your profile and you’re raring to go. After typing something in your bio line that’d make your mother faint, you log on to chat in wet anticipation. You get a private chat request. No, it’s not hot cock – it’s your best mate. Who has now seen everything. The ultimate erection crippler.

The clinger
While it’s always relieving to know that someone is online way more often then you are, it’s disturbing when that overly-connected person thinks you have a sacred bond because you inadvertently met at a club once. “Hey! How are you! What have you been doing!” they’ll exclaim, in their question-mark-free world. Endlessly. And persistently. The only way to get rid of them is to have really bad sex with ‘em. Pucker up.

The typing penis
Straight men may think with their penises, but gay guys type with them. Before they even find out your name, they’ll volunteer their dick size, favourite position and how many pieces of fruit they’ve shoved up their jacksie – plus their street address, so you can “come right over – the door’s open. I’m tied face down to the bed. Help yourself to tea, biscuits and my arsehole.”

The Starbucks poster child
You think it’s going well. Your witty repertoire seems to have moistened your chat buddy up, so you take the next step and ask if they’ll meet. “Sure!”, they reply, as you lube up in preparation. “How ‘bout a coffee?”, they continue, as you drop the lube in disappointment. If you wanted a coffee, you would’ve put the fucking kettle on. Dickhead.

The luddite
Though you have to laude their tenacity, who honestly believes that someone doesn’t have the ability to get a pic on to their computer in this day and age? My nan managed to, and she’s over 90. Someone who claims not to have a pic available online is either ugly, retarded, or bisexual – which, let’s face it, is pretty much a combination of the former two anyway.

The Scotty
Don’t let the cock pics fool you – believe it or not, some guys say they’re just looking for friends online. If you ask me, looking for friends on Gaydar is akin to looking for intellectual conversation in a mental asylum. However, humour Scottys with a potential friendship and you’ll soon find it’s a weak front to cover up their slutty desires. Just don’t tell their boyfriends.

The lesbian prankster
Ever been on Gaydar Girls? No? Well neither have our lesbian sisters. So, instead of interacting with their own kind, lesbians usually set up fake profiles on the gay sites to taunt the boys. You know, for kicks. Lines like, “Yeah, I totally love the poo sex” should be a dead give away. Still, maybe you should try and hook up – they’d be more man than most twinks will ever be.